May 2010
The ultimate nightmare invader
By Dr Hugh Glen

Some readers may think this column relishes introduced plants to the exclusion of all thought of the consequences. Yet I frequently state quite explicitly that there is a line to be drawn, and why it should be drawn at a particular point rather than elsewhere. Is there a garden subject so invasive, so horrendous that I would never consider its introduction under any circumstances, they may ask. Yes, comes the answer, actually quite a few, such as Lantana, Japanese Knotweed, Eichhornia, Kudzu vine … to name just the first four that spring to mind. But today I’m thinking of an almost-possibility that would be much worse not only than any of these, but all of them put together. And seeing that the Green Dragon is a pub with, ahem, literary pretentions, I may consider trying to persuade our editors that it’s time for another competition.
Fill your tankards and consider the following scenario.
A few years ago the only planets known were those of our own solar system. However, now that astronomers know what to look for and how to look, hardly a week goes by without a more earth-like planet than all before being discovered circling a star far away. Sooner or later somebody will discover a green one. And one day, somebody will figure out a way of getting there. And sooner or later, after someone has found green, photosynthetic organisms that count as honorary plants (though necessarily unrelated to any we know), some eejit will find a way of bringing one home. And that will be the worst nightmare invader imaginable, if it survives.
Why? Well, for one thing it would be far away from anything that might slow it down – so far that it would most likely take centuries to go and look for a bio-control organism, let alone find one and bring it back. And if that gets out? Because nothing on earth has encountered such a creature before, nothing on earth would have any defences that would work against it. So how long would it be before we and every other living thing on earth would be driven to extinction?
The idea of something like this has been explored in fiction before. John Wyndham wrote a novel called The Day of the Triffids about just such an invasion, which took place in a horrendous manner (though one suspects that a real invasion of this kind would be much worse). There is also a short story (by H.G. Wells, but I’ve long forgotten its title) that is germane here: the protagonist was an over-enthusiastic orchid collector, who acquired a new specimen from a dealer, who got it from a field collector who died under mysterious circumstances. It later came out that this orchid fed on the blood of living animals. And this emerged when the collector was found near death in his greenhouse, almost drained of blood by the now satisfied-looking orchid. I’m sure there are many other apocalyptic stories based on this idea out there, and that leads me on to the Great Green Dragon Winter Competition.
Which is really quite simple. Some eejit has indeed brought back a ‘green, photosynthetic creature’ from a planet circling a distant sun, and the wretched thing has escaped. What happens next? Tell us in about 750 words, the approximate length of the average Green Dragon column (this works out at just less than an A4 page of single-spaced 10 point Times). The usual rules of good science fiction apply: no gratuitous breaking of known laws of science – in this case, none at all, because 750 words isn’t enough for both the story and the explanation. Keep the reader’s attention the whole way – no sense in sending us to sleep or to another page in self defence! And this being the Green Dragon, there are extra brownie points if you can use the whole story to lead up to an excruciating pun, as the late great Isaac Asimov frequently did in his ultra-short stories. The prize? The usual: a year’s free subscription to The Gardener. And authors of any really good entries might just find themselves invited into the pub as guest contributors. To give you an idea of length, my word-processor tells me this offering runs to 712 words. {

Article by Dr Hugh Glen, Specialist Scientist at the KwaZulu-Natal Herbarium (a division of SANBI) and Vice President (Africa) of the International Association for Cultivated Plant Taxonomy. Visit www.sanbi.org for more information on the work done at the South African National Biodiversity Institute.

It looks completely barren, but there may well be a photosynthetic organism lurking somewhere out there... Just don’t bring it back to earth!